A
Message by Pastor Michael Palmer
Given
to
June
20, 2010
HUSBANDS AND WIVES:
THEIR NEEDS & HOW TO MAKE
PROGRESS TOGETHER!
Ephesians 5:21-33
This
passage has a principle underlying it that many people forget. It is assumed that the people Paul is
speaking to have a desire to honor the Lord God with their lives. In other words, the husbands and wives
referenced know Jesus personally, are under His authority, and want to obey
Him in the area of their marriage and family.
They each hear the Lord
and their life pattern is one of personal obedience.
Most
people that begin to have marital difficulty will find that some problems began
when one or both partners let wrong attitudes creep in (bitterness, etc.) and
they did not maintain a clean heart before God.
Therefore, the flow of God’s grace stopped flowing and there was no
power to obey God and love and serve their spouse. It is amazing how many people say they
believe the Bible is God’s Word, but when it comes to their spouse or the
problems in their marriage, there is always an exception for them. They do not have to apply the principles from
the Word of God!
I want to
emphasize this at the very outset:
I. IF HUSBANDS AND WIVES ARE TO MAKE PROGRESS
TOGETHER, THEY MUST ACKNOWLEDGE JESUS AS LORD OF THEIR LIVES AND LORD OF THEIR
MARRIAGE!
II. TRUE LOVE AND RESPECT WILL SEEK TO KNOW THE
OTHER PERSON’S NEEDS AND WORK FAITHFULLY TO SERVE THE OTHER, i.e. MEET THOSE
NEEDS IN CHRIST
“husbands
love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her”
LOVE =
AGAPE – an active word – not passive; a sacrificial word—Jesus’ love issued
forth in His going to the cross for us!
This
means that the man is to TAKE THE INITIATIVE through the application of the cross
to his life in relationship to his wife.
“Now as
the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to
their husbands.”
“let the
wife see that she respects her husband”
Respect
means to know and honor. Submit means to
voluntarily place oneself under, trusting God to make you a team together and
not allowing bitterness to creep into your attitude.
This
means:
·
Husbands
and wives will seek to understand each other—know each other.
·
Grow
in intimacy together.
·
Grow
in God’s purposes together.
·
If
the above is to happen, then certainly husbands and wives will seek to know
each other’s needs and try to meet them with the Lord’s strength!
III. WHAT ARE THE TOP FIVE NEEDS OF HUSBANDS AND
WIVES?
WIVES
TOP FIVE NEEDS
1.
AFFECTION
·
Hugging
·
Being
sensitive
·
Holding
hands
·
Opening
doors
·
Invitations
to do things together
·
Love
notes, cards, texts, etc.
2.
CONVERSATION
·
Discover
her interests
·
Discover
her feelings
·
Get
to know her heart
·
It
takes time—dates
·
Don’t
dwell on past mistakes
·
Requires
undivided attention
3.
HONESTY
AND OPENNESS
·
Mistrust
destroys a sense of security
·
Do
not “avoid trouble” by just being silent
·
Do
not do something “of substance” with money and then avoid telling your wife
·
Be
honest about your heart, your feelings; do not lie to “protect” your wife when
in reality you are avoiding accepting responsibility to lead!
4.
FINANCIAL
SUPPORT
·
Keep
up on your job skills
·
Manage
well what you have
5.
FAMILY
COMMITMENT
·
Be
a good, Godly father
·
Lead
in teaching and discipline
·
Change
the diapers!
·
Spend
time with the children
·
Communicate
with the wife about the rules
·
Enforce
the rules with love
·
Have
a personal quiet time with God; lead and encourage your family to know Jesus
and walk with Him.
1.
SEXUAL
FULFILLMENT
·
Much
needless frustration is experienced in this area because of our culture, the
emotional differences between men and women, and a lack of intimacy in other
areas of the marriage.
·
A
man cannot achieve sexual fulfillment in marriage unless his wife is sexually
fulfilled as well (Harley, p. 46).
2.
RECREATIONAL
COMPANIONSHIP
·
Find
mutual recreational interests and participate together in them
·
Requires
mutual sacrifice
·
The
couple that plays together stays together
·
This
time should be uninterrupted time
3.
AN
ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE
·
Make
an effort to look like the woman he married (. . . or better!)
·
When
she looks good, he feels good; “a man’s need for physical attractiveness in a
woman is profound” (Harley, p. 109)
·
Use
makeup to your best advantage!
·
Get
a hairstyle he likes
·
Dress
to be attractive to your man
·
An attractive
woman is made, not born. The inner
beauty of Christ can be displayed through all the outward components.
4.
DOMESTIC
SUPPORT
·
He
needs peace and quiet and order
·
Find
out what he wants: schedule-wise, household-wise
·
Create
a plan
·
Help
him know exactly what help you need and when
·
Don’t
nag
5.
ADMIRATION
·
He
needs her to be proud of him
·
Verbally,
attitudinally
·
To
him and to others
·
Definitely
do not downgrade your husband to other women or men
·
Express
appreciation sincerely for what you can, and build on that as things
improve as you work together on everything.
Now it is
not enough to be aware of these needs.
If husbands and wives know Jesus Christ . . . if they claim to be
genuinely saved, then there must be a desire to OBEY Christ in both
people. The command for husbands is to
LOVE YOUR WIVES LIKE CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR IT. The command for wives is to SUBMIT IN
EVERYTHING TO THEIR HUSBAND and LET THE WIFE SEE THAT SHE RESPECTS HER HUSBAND.
If you
are willing to obey God and ask for His grace to do that, then YOU CAN MAKE
PROGRESS (IMPROVE) YOUR MARRIAGE!
IV. THOUGHTS FROM LICENSED PROFESSIONAL
COUNSELOR, DR. DOUG KEFFER
These are
the top five needs he sees in the people that come to him:
1.
Personal
prayer and devotional time with the Lord.
2.
Good
communication skills (verbal and listening) with spouse and children.
3.
Prioritize
their time for family and job responsibilities.
4.
Financial
stability (being responsible stewards).
5.
Mental
and physical wellness (balance between eating, exercise, work, and relaxation).
1.
Begin
to cry out to God for your spouse and your marriage, asking God for His wisdom
and grace.
2.
Get
clean before God—confess sin and let Him clear your conscience through the shed
blood of Jesus. Stay in the Word daily.
3.
Clear
your spirit with your mate
·
God
has convicted me of how wrong I have been in/by ___________.
·
Will
you forgive me?
·
Will
you help me through scheduled communication and honest feedback?
·
Resolve
together to not let bitterness build up.
4.
Use
a tool like Willard Harley’s book, His Needs / Her Needs, to help you evaluate
your marriage.
·
Guys---you
must read in order to do this!
·
Discuss
each chapter together.
5.
After evaluation,
pick some areas to work on together.
This will require honest communication.
Also you will need to clarify the expectations in each area.
6.
Schedule
some steps of action you can take in one or more areas that will demonstrate
some initial obedience toward God and love toward your spouse. Ask your spouse “What can I do to show you
that I want to obey God and improve my relationship with you?”
7.
Spend
time talking together each night.
Schedule times for discussion about “heavier” topics.
8.
Ask
yourselves “What is God’s purpose for our marriage?”
9.
Each
of you make a list of interests, likes, etc.
Schedule some of the “things in common” to do together. Each of you do one thing with the other that
is not as high on your own list (or not even on your list!).
10. Schedule a check-up series of
sessions with a Christian counselor.
Would you
commit TODAY to ask the Lord to give you GRACE? And then, will you take some steps of
obedience to Him today?
If you
are not married and will not be in the future, will you please take this and
share it with some of your married friends.
Perhaps you know someone in marriage difficulty. Or perhaps you just want to encourage a
married couple you know or a couple in your family.
Only
Jesus can make and heal a marriage. My
friends, people need Jesus today!
In just a
moment, we will sing. If you would like
to receive Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, please come right now
and tell one of the pastors. If you
would like to become a member of the Green Ridge family, please come and let a
pastor know as well.